Your Vagina On Sex

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Women’s Health and the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) teamed up on an exclusive survey that revealed how much women know about their own anatomy. The answer, sadly: Not a whole lot. To help you better understand your nether regions, we created an all-inclusive guide to your private parts in our November 2014 issue. This article is part of that package. 

When something sexy piques a man's interest, he gets a boner. What happens to you is less outwardly obvious but just as stimulating...

• The second your brain senses some potential action, your blood vessels expand and direct extra flow south. The increased circulation spurs vaginal secretions—natural lube made up of proteins and amino acids—and a plumping of the vulva. Thousands of nerve endings in the vagina's most sensitive areas light up.
   
• Tissues in your clitoris swell and stiffen. Yes, we're talking mini hard-on. If you're, like, totally turned on, your clit can triple in size. (It takes a while post-nooky for it to shrink back down, though; during this interim, it can be difficult for some women to urinate.)
   
• Your cervix softens and, if it or a major surrounding nerve is stroked by a penis or toy during sex, it may light up the same pleasure areas in your brain that are activated by foreplay.
   
• In about 10 percent of women, pelvic floor muscle contractions during orgasm can propel a few drops of clear fluid out of the urethra. Don't sweat it: "Female ejaculation" is not pee; it's made up of natural sugars and prostatic acid phosphatase, a chemical also found in semen. Odds are, your partner thinks it's superhot.

The Sex Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

RENNIE SOLIS

A few years ago, two dear friends got married in our living room. The bride wore white, a ragged dress last used in her gig as the Eight-Foot Bride, a living performance piece she did for cash in Harvard Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, when she was younger. The groom wore a traditional dark suit. My two youngest kids acted as flower girl and ring bearer, my daughter in a zebra-striped gown with a fuchsia cloche hat and a single lily, my son in white tie and tails bought at a quinceanera store and made from the same fabric as dryer sheets.

We spent much of the night keeping him away from open flames for fear he'd go up like a magician's flash paper. Nothing about this affair was typical — not the accordion music that accompanied the bride down the aisle nor the taco-truck wedding feast. The only thing that made this wedding routine for me was the toast I offered.

For the last decade or so — since I found myself on The Oprah Winfrey Show staring down a cabal of vengeful mommies horrified by my claim that the key to my successful marriage was my insistence that my husband take precedence in my heart, even over our four children — I have been asked to make several wedding toasts. And each and every time, I say the same thing. I tell the bride and groom that as far as I can see, there is really only one thing that guarantees marital success. Only one thing that is sure to inoculate a couple against the sexless, passionless norm that is all too often the fate of contemporary marriages, especially once children arrive.

At this wedding in my living room, I raised my glass and gazed down the long table into the eyes of my beloved husband. I smiled at our four beautiful children. Then I turned to the flushed and joyful faces of the bride and groom and, from the vantage point of 18 years of happy marriage, gave them all the wisdom I had: "Embrace the quickie!"

Research tells us that sexual intimacy is an important component of marital happiness. It is the glue that holds you together, the way you reengage and reconnect. And when problems arise in the relationship, couples are often counseled to focus on foreplay — to take time, to linger and "play." I think this is terrible advice. I'm firmly of the belief that languid, intricate foreplay is the enemy of successful marital sex.

Don't get my wrong: I like a foot massage, maybe a back rub, French kissing and getting — ahem — serviced as much as the next girl. Cuddling rocks my world. But to use an analogy appropriate to our current food-obsessed culture, all that foreplay is like dinner at the French Laundry or Per Se or any of those destination restaurants that specialize in 15-course tasting menus heavy on the foam and all the things sous vide. It wows your palate, introduces you to tastes and sensations you've never experience before.

You love every minute of it. But a meal like that takes five and a half hours and costs a thousand bucks, and by the end of it you are fit for nothing but a 10-hour sleep beneath 1,000-thread-count sheets. But dinner? Dinner happens every night of the week, and mostly you're perfectly happy with a nice roast chicken, a well-grilled pork chop, or a burger hot off the griddle.

If your demand of every sexual encounter that it rise to the level of a 15-course degustation, I promise that you will never get laid. Event sex is great, but when you and your new husband have returned from a long day's work only to confront the dog that needs to be walked, the laundry you didn't get to last weekend, and the stack of unwritten thank-you notes gathering dust on your new dining room table, it will be the last thing you have energy for. If sex is a production, then more often than not you'll just flake out on the couch and watch an episode of Game of Thrones or a rerun of How I Met Your Mother.

I don't mean to imply that watching TV in companionable silence isn't one of the great pleasures of marriage. It is. But it can't be the only shared pleasure. Most women and virtually all men miss sex if it isn't a regular part of their lives. And most marriages suffer when physical intimacy is no longer part of the equation.

Here's my advice: Make the quickie your go-to formula. Tell yourself that you'll get to a fancy restaurant on the weekend, or on your next vacation, but tonight it's takeout. To be clear, by "takeout" I don't mean that as a women you forgo your pleasure. On the contrary, I'm committed to the belief that only the most occasional sexual encounters should end without both partners feeling fully satisfied. Since more women find it difficult from a purely anatomical standpoint to reach orgasm through intercourse alone, I say take control of your own orgasm.

Embrace the efficient use of self-love with whatever tools you need. (A visit to the drugstore can prove instructive.) Even better, you can train your husband to help; most men are more-than-eager students.

Take the advice of a woman who, speaking from now more than 20 years together and despite having four children, a marriage with two busy careers, and all the normal anxieties and stress of contemporary life, still loves making love with her husband. Embrace the quickie. It will keep your marriage as exciting and sexually fulfilling on your 20th anniversary as it is on your wedding night. Although I think on your wedding night, if you're not too inebriated or exhausted, you should go for the tasting menu.

All 15 courses.

Ayelet Waldman is the best-selling author of several books, including her most recentLove and Treasure. She is happily married to novelist Michael Chabon. They have four children, all of whom will turn shades of mortified red if they read this essay.

You Probably Fantasize About THIS Person More Than Anyone Else

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Fantasy is the spice of life (not to be corny, but it really is). Our brains are extremely complex. Creating narratives, both sexy and non-sexy, are a part of being human. We think about how we’re going to stand up to our boss while we’re in the shower, we imagine our dream engagement, and we think about being bent over a couch and spanked.

So, what about the content of said fantasies, especially the sexual? What does it all mean?

Justin Lehmiller, PhD is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the blog Sex and Psychology found through researching for his new book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, that we actually tend to fantasize about our partners more than anyone else.

Lehmiller surveyed over 4,000 people and notes that: “Nine out of ten participants said they had fantasized about a current romantic partner before and, further, among those who were in relationships, nearly two-thirds said they fantasized about their current partners often. By contrast, fewer than one in ten participants in relationships said they fantasize frequently about Hollywood celebrities, porn stars, politicians, or other famous people.”

Before you go yelling at your partner for watching porn or psyching yourself out because your favorite fantasy this week involved Taylor Kinney and a fireman’s pole, here is what the data actually shows: People like to think about their partner a lot. It’s not that hard to believe. This is a person you love, feel comfortable with, and have likely done some pretty dirty, nasty, hot things with.

It’s like the saying authors use when giving advice: Write what you know. We like to pick from what we know when creating sexual scenarios, too.

Most people just want to sleep with their partner

We see many, many pieces about fantasizing and how thinking about celebrities, ex-partners, or the random girl from the coffee shop when we get off is normal.

And it is!

What we forget to do is to cut back from all the sensationalized editorial and remember that at the end of the day, we stick with what we know for the most part.

It seems pretty clear that making up an elaborate fantasy involving Taylor Swift and a rabbit vibrator takes more brain power than imagining the person you’re married to holding that same rabbit vibrator. Hey, you might even use actual scenes from your IRL sex life for orgasm-inducing material. You’re not boring or lame, you’re simply using your own stuff. As Paris would say: That’s hot.

When you love someone and are turned on by them, you think about them in a sexual way. That kind of comes with the territory when you’re married or committed long-term to someone.

So, is it normal to think about other people? Yes. Is it easier, and likely more comforting, to think about the person you have sex with on a regular basis? Also yes.

Is your relationship in trouble if you fantasize about other people?

It’s perfectly normal and healthy to have sexual fantasies outside of your current relationship. What’s interesting is that through Lehmiller research he found that those who were fantasizing about other people, and excluded their partners entirely from sexual fantasy might be the in rockiest of relationships.

It’s not to say that there is anything wrong with picturing Idris Elba going down on you on a beach in Tahiti, but if he’s the only person you’re thinking about during partnered or solo-sex, you might want to think about why that might be. Is there a particular reason your partner doesn’t make a single cameo when you’re having sexual thoughts?

You don’t need to freak out if you have scenes in your mind when you’re getting off that don’t involve your spouse, but it’s important to keep tabs on every aspect of your relationship, including fantasy. If they are never the source of your erotic thoughts, you might want to think on it a bit.

What does this all mean for you?

What this really is is a reality check, a look into everyday, average American couples who like to have sex with each other. The media hypes up anything that deviates outside of conventional norms, thus giving attention to the unusual aspects of sexuality, and often forgetting to mention the bigger picture.

As a media outlet, we recognize that this can happen here from time to time as well! We want to read about things we find exciting and new. It just so happens that while sexual fantasy can (and does) include more than just our current sexual partners, it most often won’t.

What this research and data shows is that we like to have sex with our partners and we like to think about having sex with our partners when we’re not having sex with our partners. It all sounds pretty standard.

7 Types of Honeymoon Sex You Should Totally Have

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You may think you don't need any advice when it comes to hot honeymoon sex. Think again! "No matter how sexually liberated we are, the knowledge that our partner has committed to a permanent bond pumps our hormones, excites beneficial brain chemicals, and brings us to a new level of full-body pleasure that can make honeymoon sex feel like an ecstatic experience," explains Gloria Brame, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer For The 21st Century. And to help you through that electric connection, our experts are here to share with you seven kinds of honeymoon sex you should absolutely have.

1. Explore oral sex.

Your honeymoon is not the time to fast-forward past foreplay. "Every couple should know how to get each other off manually, without toys," says Brame. And your honeymoon, she says, is the ideal time to perfect your skills. "Many brides fall into a trap of giving and not receiving, or not receiving it the way they need and want it," she says. "A honeymoon is a good time to establish your future sex habits, and to make sure you get as much as you give. Asking for oral reciprocity with an eager groom lets him know that your orgasm is as important to you as his is to him."

2. Have sex (almost) wherever you want.

Kat Van Kirk, certified sex therapist and author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life, says that finding new opportunities to have sex — whether on the beach or in an elevator — can bring making love to a whole new level. "Your honeymoon is the time to be playful," she explains. "This time is devoted to just the two of you — something that will change when you return home to reality. You'll want to get your marital sex off on the right foot by being creative, fun and engaging." Not only that, but she adds that your honeymoon is your best chance of getting away with weird locations.

"Even if you get caught, people tend to forgive newlyweds pretty easily," she explains.

3. Try one new thing.

Whatever tickles your fancy — whether toys or a sex position you've yet to twist into — now's the time to try something new. "You may be one of the rare individuals who will always be happy having sex in pretty much the same way," Brame says, "but the vast majority of adults tend to crave variety after a few years of marriage. Lack of variety is the number one cause of people straying outside their primary relationship. So take the time now to learn new things, add spice to your sex, and never be afraid to try new ways to give and receive pleasure."

4. Focus on sensations.

Van Kirk recommends that on your honeymoon you explore sexual intimacy that "is solely focused on sensation and the sensual — think: good sheets, romantic lighting, aromatherapy candles," she says. Why? "Because honeymoon sex should feel special. It shouldn't be all about penetration. It's about enjoying one another's body and the sensations involved. This is the time to linger in one another's sensuality."

See More: 4 Reasons to Say Yes to Morning Sex

5. Enjoy a quickie.

You've got plenty of time to get it on during this particular trip. But sharing a quick sexual experience together can up the excitement factor of this already fun time. "Another important tool in every partner's repertoire is knowing how to get off and get your partner off in a very short period of time," says Brame. "In years to come — with jobs and kids constantly shredding your sexy-time schedule — knowing that you can squeeze in a quickie before bed or hop in the shower with your honey in the morning and both emerge clean and smiling will both help you keep your sanity and keep your marriage vibrant."

6. Try out tantric sex.

Tantric sex brings tried-and-true sexual experiences to the next level. So while you're on your honeymoon, try "using a few tantric breathing and kissing techniques, as well as positions," Van Kirk suggests. "Tantric techniques increase the level of emotional bonding. These are 1,500 year old sex techniques that can help you be more orgasmic and feel closer to your partner."

7. Test out a fantasy.

You may have felt too timid before you tied the knot to share your sexual fantasies. "But now that you are married, it's time to open up a little more about your sexiest fantasies," Brame says. If you've been dying to try a little role play, your honeymoon could be the perfect opportunity to have sex on a beach, for example. "Revealing your sex fantasies means letting your partner into your mind, not just your body," explains Brame. "It may feel awkward at first, but it's a vital part of bonded intimacy.

If you let your partner in, he will probably let you in too — and that kind of mutual understanding is the basis for a great marriage."