The confirmation. Writing for xoJane, contributor Francesca Harrell reveals that she was 25 years old when she first confronted the reality that she was, in fact, bisexual. Afterward, she contemplated how she would reveal the news to her husband “I then spent the best part of year figuring out how I was going to tell my husband,” she writes.
Clearing up misconceptions. Harrell argues that contrary to popular misconceptions about bisexuality, she didn’t want to leave her partner for a woman. What’s more, she didn’t want to include a woman in the bedroom, either. She explains: “I’m still monogamous, faithful and I'm very much still bisexual, and it just so happens I'm married to a man.”
Staying the same. Rather than leave her husband for a woman — or ask for a threesome — Harrell wanted things to stay exactly as they were. She did have one wish, however: For her truth to be out in the open. In other words, for her other half to know that she was bisexual.
Staying the same. “I believe it was even harder knowing I didn't want my relationship to change, because usually if someone is married to the opposite sex and comes out as gay, for example, both parties know the relationship isn't going to carry on the same,” Harrell writes. “For me, I didn't want to lose my other half, but in my mind there was a very real chance this could actually happen.” She goes on to say that when she first realized her sexuality, she was scared by it.
Fear. Harrell notes that her fear of bisexuality had a lot to do with how people treat it. They’re known as “greedy” and “not fussed,” she explains. Or that bisexuals “haven’t made up our minds about what we like.” She adds: “Perhaps for a little while I also believed this about myself and figured I might grow out of it.”
Her husband. For five years Harrell had been married to her husband when she decide to come out. She describes him as the “most incredible human being I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing,” pointing out her own bias. Even still, she calls him the “most grounded, openminded, accepting person I’ve ever met…” That said, she was still concerned that he wouldn’t accept her bisexuality.
Grieving. This is right about when she refers to “the grieving process” occurred. “My entire coming-out journey was really similar to the grieving process,” she explains, “except the only funeral involved was the fictional one I'd created in my head for my marriage.”
Justifying it. Harrell describes how she justified her bisexuality by telling herself she was simply “admiring” beautiful women. “I couldn't be a lesbian, no, because I wanted to jump on my husband every hour of every day,” she says. “And it's not like I didn't know bisexuality existed, but rather I wasn't open to the idea that my sexuality wasn't what I had thought it had been for the past 25 years.”
Denial. Looking back, Harrell couldn’t believe how in denial she was about who she really was deep down inside. More or less, she became a hypochondriac about it. She write: “When I started to question myself more and open myself up to the possibility I might not be straight, I spent months staying awake every night after my husband had gone to sleep, trawling Google for stories or advice from other women who had been in my situation — bi and married to someone who doesn't know. I am an anxious worrier who always assumes the worst, so just like when you Google your mild headache symptoms and it tells you that you've got minutes to live, this was no better.”
Anxiety. At first, she tried to ignore her desires. However, this soon become torture. “Keeping something that big of a deal all to myself ate away at my sanity and it ended up being all I could think about,” she explains. As a result, her anxiety grew and grew — and grew. At one point, he husband could tell something wasn’t quite right.
Confidence. To build her confidence, Harrell started to address her issues with medications and cognitive behavioral therapy. Slowly, but surely, she built her self-esteem up. And that’s when she realized that she had to tell her husband the truth. So, she planned how — and when — she would tell her partner.
The day. “On that day, we had lunch,” she writes. “I squirmed throughout the whole thing and had ‘I am bisexual’ on the tip of my tongue along with my bacon sandwich but it just wouldn't come out (no pun intended).” But did she wind up telling him in person. No. Instead, she sent him a message on Facebook while he was in the next room at home.
The day. After what seemed like forever, her husband made his way to her. She held her breath the entire time. “I was definitely not prepared for him to walk up to me, not saying a word, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me for a good minute in silence,” she writes of the intimate moment. “It seemed he was relieved too.”
The day. Her husband was at total ease with the news. In fact, he even said to her: “Is that it? Is this all you have been worrying about all this time?” Harrell writes that this is what she needed to hear all those months she spent sick and worried of his reaction. Later on, her husband told her he was proud of her for having the courage to come out. He was also happy to know there was more to her than he initially thought.
The day. “Not once was he judgmental,” Harrell writes. “He felt comfortable asking me questions. All in all he was the man I married and admire, and my sexuality didn't change that.” She concludes: “I do realise not everyone is fortunate enough to have such a happy ending. There are many people I have not come out to yet as I still have that fear of rejection. But for me, life was too short and too miserable to keep my secret hidden for so long, and I'm a better person for having been honest.”
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