Stop Faking It! 5 Steps To Truly Orgasmic Sex

Faking orgasm is overrated. Learn to enjoy the real deal instead.

According to a recent study by the University of Kansas, 70 percent of women fake orgasm. Pressure to enjoy sex and concern for their partners' egos was cited as a popular reason to fake it.

Faking an orgasm while your partner is in the throes of ecstasy can be a loving thing to do, heightening his passion. However, sacrificing your satisfaction for your partner's could be leaving you frustrated, potentially for years. Women take longer to be stimulated than men. In fact, women require  15 to 40 minutes of foreplay to orgasm. Follow these five tips to a heightened orgasm experience:

1. Relax. An orgasm is about letting go. Let go of thoughts about anything other than making love.

2. Make sure you get stimulated vaginally before oral sex. Once you do, the party is about over. Clean up on aisle nine. Most men think when you're wet you are ready. This is a misconception. Most women need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to have an orgasm. (Soul Sex: The Art Of Lovemaking.)

3. Foreplay! Foreplay! Foreplay! Allow your partner to pleasure you first, using the ten minute rule. Have your partner kiss you ten minutes, massage you for ten minutes, stimulate nipples, inner thighs, fingers, toes, stomach with light touch and tongue ten minutes. Before your partner enters you, have him spend ten minutes massaging your G-spot (step four). Foreplay for women is the most important part. If you skip foreplay, orgasm will continue to allude you

4. G-Spot Massage. It really does exist. Taking the time to find this goddess point will change your life. The G-spot is located one to three inches inside the vagina along the front vaginal wall. Have your partner insert his middle finger completely into your vagina curling his finger back towards himself in a come hither motion. Direct your partner to gently stimulate using a short stroking touch. When your G-spot is stimulated it becomes enlarged and feels ribbed. When swollen, a vaginal orgasm is not only possible but probable. So ... wait for it! If you aren't trembling all over, you aren't aroused enough.

5. Mount up! Squeeze your internal muscles and move your hips. Keep breathing through your open mouth and make noise. Sounds help to stimulate both of you to orgasm. When your mouth is open, you are more likely to orgasm. Making direct contact with the clitorus is required for most women to achieve orgasm. Masturbate while your man thrusts in and out of your vagina. Get over the embarrassment as most men enjoy watching you stimulate yourself. 

The first few times your G-spot receives attention, it may become extremely sensitive. Stop and try again a little later. You may also feel the need to urinate but this leaves quickly. This is the pleasure spot of the woman. When it is stimulated regularly, sex takes on an entirely different connotation. You step into your goddess persona.

When the man's penis swells inside your vagina just before his orgasm, this causes your G-spot begins to swell bringing you close to orgasm, and it's over! He's drooling on his pillow asleep already. Follow these steps to a more satisfying and fulfilling sex life. Don't be afraid to guide and ask for what you want, you will be glad you did.

What I Learned From My Year Of Having ONLY Casual Sex

Sex is all I needed at the time, so sex was all I was going to allow myself to get.

After the emotional rollercoaster that was the four-and-a-half-year relationship with the Big to my Carrie, I was absolutely over being with someone — but I was not over being under them.

Towards the end, I told him I wanted to just be f*ck buddies, but he wanted all of me. I should have been happy he didn't just want my body, but being with him had taken such a toll on me that I really just needed someone to pleasure my physical side while I focused on fixing the mental side.

The one major life lesson I took from my time with him was learning how to date like a man: no emotions necessary. They were inconsistent and they confused things; I wasn't able to see clearly and make rational decisions when they were involved, which is what led me to take a year off relationships and focus solely on casual sex.

The whole concept of casual sex has actually always baffled me, since I feel there is nothing more intimate — and not casual at all — than sex. But sex is all I needed at the time, so sex was all I was going to allow myself to get. Here's what I learned.

1. My body is perfect just the way it is.

For years I truly believed men only wanted skinny, tall model-types. Other women used to compliment me on my Marilyn Monroe-style body, but I used to be ashamed of my curves and my lack of height. But in my year of casual sex, I learned how to love myself in my own skin and stop caring what men thought. After all, the only thing they really cared about was how I used my body to their advantage.

2. Sex is more fun when it's spontaneous.

Whenever I've been in a relationship, I've found out how easy it is for things to get stale. All of a sudden, I find myself rolling my eyes when my man asks for sex (because I've stopped kissing him, legs wide open, with nothing but his T-shirt on), while opening my diary to schedule a 15-minute quickie on a Saturday morning, because then I've got the rest of the weekend to "get real sh*t done."

Losing spontaneity could result in losing a great catch; googling "spontaneous sex ideas" and releasing inhibitions will go a long way in helping prevent that from happening.

3. Experimenting is not something to be ashamed of.

Knowing I'd probably never see that one-night stand ever again was strangely liberating. Men on the search for casual sex are pretty much up for anything, so it presented the perfect opportunity to try some kinky stuff, and I allowed guys the same courtesy. I gave most things a go, and I kept the great things in my repertoire to use again in the future.

4. Long-term partners should be appreciated.

I'm lucky enough to never have gone more than three months without a sexual encounter, but some of my less-fortunate friends have gone longer than three years. Something I've learned from them is that, when you've nabbed a good lover, you should hold on to them for as long as you can.

5. Don't rely on others to get you off.

When I've been in healthy relationships, the guy has never let me leave without climaxing, even if he finished long before. There isn't as much patience in casual sex encounters, which brings me to my final and most important lesson: the only person you can rely on in life, and in sex, is yourself. Explore your body and know what gets you off. That knowledge will help on lonely winter nights.

There Is Only ONE Time When Faking An Orgasm Is OK

Don't make it a habit.

Every woman has faked an O at least once in her lifetime.

Pretending to climax is a theatrical art — one that even thespian Keanu Reeves would find challenging to pull off convincingly. There’s a healthy dose of heavy breathing with much melodramatic “oohing” and “ahhing” sprinkled throughout (all informed by porn and “When Harry Met Sally“) that builds to an Oscar-worthy crescendo, followed by a quick resolution phase (“That was great. Nightie-night!”). 

And it’s all done for the benefit of a partner’s ego… or simply to get said partner to roll over and go to sleep (finally).

The Problem with Faking

While these are good intentions, no good can come of them. 

Faking begins a vicious cycle of deceit and miscommunication: your partner thinks they gave you an orgasm with their patented moves, so they keep using those patented moves, thus you feel obliged to keep “responding” to them, until after a year of faking you finally break down and reveal your ruse out of pure exhaustion and boredom, at which point they break up with you because you’ve humiliated them with your damn lies!

The Reality that Faking Belies

Why insist that sex be so goal oriented? Isn’t the journey as important as the destination? Climaxing is no more a prerequisite for great sex than wearing nice lingerie is. And damn it, it’s not easy for many women to get to their very own Xanadu.

There’s no simple formula like there is for most dudes: insert, thrust, repeat. Female genitals are sensitive, and fickle, and picky. And there’s no shame in that. You’ve simply got to work with your partners — using honest communication, gentle instruction and enthusiastic suggestion — to teach them its moods.

Pretending we live in a simpler world, genitally speaking, will only make things more complicated in bed. 

The One Exception to the No Faking Rule

That said, there is one instance when faking is acceptable: on a one-night stand, when you will not see this person again and thus, there is no learning curve. In such a situation, giving yourself the freedom to act orgasmic may make you feel more orgasmic. (Hey, if forcing yourself to smile can make you feel happier…) 

This Ain’t Just a Lady Thang

Finally, while this is a predominantly female phenomenon, don’t think that men can’t fake. Oh yes they can…and do! 

A plethora of factors may contribute to a no-show: stress, depression, intoxication, relationship problems, medication, a thick condom…the list goes on. Add that to the overwhelming pressure of male ejaculatory expectation.

Two or three dramatic climactic thrusts, a quick removal of the condom in a darkened room, and you’re none the wiser. Put that in your pipe and obsess about the next time you’re doing it with a dude.

11 Ways You're Masturbating INCORRECTLY

Seems like a no-brainer and yet...

If you are having some alone time masturbating, you obviously hope it will be fun. It's inherent to the idea. And it probably will be. But is it being as fun as it can be?

Maybe not. Just as with sex with a partner, a lot can get in the way to us finding pleasure when we're masturbating. We may get lost in our own head or feel uncomfortable or anxious. We may also just not be finding the key to what brings us the most pleasure (and gives us the most orgasms).

Some of us have roommates who we may fear overhearing us, or we have gotten toys that simply don't work for our needs. We may also feel anxious about what we are doing and are trying to race to the finish or cut corners. And obviously, we'll get nothing from that. Or maybe we have a mental block that is keeping us from letting go and having all the fun we could be having.

But there's a lot that we can do to find more pleasure in the moment. A lot of it starts with slowing down, living in the moment, and remembering to breathe. As for the rest, our experts have some awesome advice about how to masturbate that will bring you to a mind-numbing orgasm every time.

Here are 11 things you are doing wrong during masturbation.

1. You don't clear your mind beforehand.

"Clearing the mind of anything that isn't conducive to enjoying physical pleasure is most important while masturbating. Create a peaceful state of mind and indulge in a spicy piece of erotic literature. Allow the explicit descriptions and provocative passages to enhance arousal till your entire being is filled with explosive orgasmic pleasure," says director Kay Brandt.

2. You go too fast.

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"Enjoying the immense amount of pleasure your body is capable of is an important part of honoring your inherent sexuality and taking care of yourself. The chemicals released will decrease stress, boost your immune system and give your skin a gorgeous glow," says Antonia Hall, MA., a psychologist, relationship expert, sexpert, and the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.

3. You don't use any variety.

Just as experimenting with a range of sex positions with a partner can lead to bigger, better orgasms, so too can exploring different angles and positions during solo play, says sexologist Dr. Jess O'Reilly. Try lying on your stomach, hanging off the bed or rubbing off in the shower to see how your body responds to variety.

4. You expect to have an experience mimicking pornography.

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"Not every orgasm needs to be earth-shattering. Sometimes, great sex can be more relaxing than stimulating, so don’t expect your sounds or physical reactions to mirror those you see in porn," says Dr. Jess.

5. You hold your breath or stifle sounds.

Breathe deeply and let your sounds emanate freely without inhibition.

"When we hold our breath it can inhibit circulation and arousal, so even if you’re playing solo, make whatever sounds arise naturally just as you would with a partner," says Dr. Jess.

6. You don't explore enough.

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It's easy to become rote about masturbation.

"But our bodies are constantly changing, and so are our likes. Try new angles. If you always masturbate lying down, trying sitting or standing, or putting a pillow underneath you. Use both hands and touch areas you don't normal include in your self-pleasuring techniques. Knowing your body and being able to describe what gets you off to your partner is an invaluable tool," says Hall.

7. You have mental hindrances.

There are a lot of messages that can get in the way of enjoying sexuality.

"If you were told that touching yourself is shameful or dirty, those voices can really get in the way of your ability to relax and experience your pleasure potential. Work through any old mental tapes that could be getting in your way and you'll find yourself experiencing far more pleasure," says Hall.

8. You don't use toys — or you use toys too often.

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"There are many toys to explore, and they can help take your regular orgasms to a whole other level of wow. If vibration doesn't work well for you, try a toy that uses suction. Stimulate new areas and find even more exciting ways to bring yourself to climax," says Hall.

9. You don't warm up your toys.

What are we doing wrong when masturbating? Using cold or room temperature toys. Try warming your toys up before you begin to touch yourself with them. The heat increases sensation and can call a stronger, more intense orgasm.

There are a lot of ways to do this — warm water, microwave — but I love a brand new product called WARM. It has a discreet heating system, which heats to the perfect temperature, fits toys of all sizes and literally “reinvented” everything in my sex box.

10. You don't use your PC (pubococcygeus) muscle.

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It's possible to move your sexual energy through your body to have hands-free orgasms.

"Part of learning to do that involves squeezing your PC muscle to move your energy around the body. It'll take your orgasms to an entirely new level and is also an incredible way to spice things up with your sweetheart when you're together," says Hall.

11. You don't stimulate your anus.

"I know that when the word 'anal' gets mentioned many people stop listening, but hear me out. I'm not suggesting that you try and insert something that would make Lexington Steele look like a eunuch. I'm simple suggesting that a little anal play might be something you could explore," says adult performer Julia Ann.

"I've found that having something in my butt while I masturbate my vagina intensifies my orgasm. If it is something you would like to try, I would suggest inserting a small vibrating toy like The Egg in your anus. With the vibrations of the Egg, you don't have to move it in and out like you would a dildo, which makes it less intimidating for the anal play novice."