Honey, Where’s The Remote: Objects People Have Lost In Their Butts

If you want to put things up your butt, that's your choice. Whether it's during sex or during a shower or during lunch, what you do with your body is totally up to you. However, it definitely wouldn't hurt to take your butt's wellbeing into consideration.  Sure, your butt may enjoy the feeling of something entering it, but butts aren't residencies. You can visit them, sure. But staying for an extended period of time? That's just what science calls constipation, and no matter how pro-butt play you may be, a fan of that. BuzzFeed, in all of its listicle glory, has compiled a list of random objects that people have gotten stuck up their butts, so for entertainment's sake, keep reading to discover objects people have lost in their butts.

Body spray canister. When you want to apply spray to your body, feel free to go all out. That’s your right as a human being. Just don’t take things so far that you end up getting the canister lodged up your a**hole. First of all, body spray is meant to be topical (applying it inside your body is dangerous). Second of all, how exactly did it get up there? We’d all love to know. Signed, a friend.

A key. If you don’t want to lose your keys, no can blame you if you want to get creative with where you place them. But listen… there’s such a thing as taking creativity too far. Your jacket must have plenty of pockets for you to stow your key away, so please let us all know why you felt the need to hide it in the one place you really shouldn’t have. Those ridges aren’t going to do you any favors when the key eventually passes.

Beer bottle. If there’s one craze that needs to die, it’s butt chugging. Not only are you putting your life at risk (consuming alcohol through your anus is incredibly dangerous), you’re also putting yourself at risk of getting a beer bottle stuck up your butt. For your sake, let’s just hope it doesn’t crack on the way out

Flashlight. To the person who got a flashlight lost in their butt — what exactly were you looking for? You understand that there are medical professionals who can easily schedule an appointment for a colonoscopy if you really needed to have a peek up there so desperately. Now look what you’ve done. There’s a f*cking flashlight in your a**.

Peanut butter jar. We get it. You were craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so badly that you just couldn’t take it anymore. First, you unscrewed the jelly. That was difficult enough. Your fingers were shaking. You were trembling. Then, after spreading the jelly, you turned to face the peanut butter. You started to unscrew the lid. But you couldn’t take it any longer. You couldn’t wait. Fast forward one hour, and you’re in the hospital with the peanut butter jar up your a**, you PB&J freak.

Toy car. No, putting a toy car up your butt is not going to make your farts go “Vroom, vroom.” That’s not how life works. It’s not even logical. For arguments sake, though, suppose it was even remotely possible that a car in your butt could make your farts sound like an engine. This toy car isn’t even a real car. It’s metal and plastic. You’re an idiot.

Cell phone. We get it. Whoever got their cell phone lost in their a** couldn’t handle the onslaught of telemarketers anymore, so they took some initiative. For that, we give them credit. But aside from that, not a smart move, homie — and not just because a phone up your butt will be painful. When it’s up there, you can’t silence the calls.

Pint glass. Again with the goddamn butt-chugging… You understand that you can store alcohol in your body by simply pouring the liquid down your throat, right? No, don’t nod. Don’t act like you know this to be true. You’ve got a freaking pint glass up your a**. You don’t know this to be true. You don’t.

Spray paint. If cops catch you spray painting public property, you’re going to get into trouble. There’s no way around it. However, if you want to keep your record clean, simply lube that bottle up and insert into that ol’ butthole of yours. That’s apparently what this genius seems to have done.

Gun. While most people are storing their guns in safes or in holsters on their legs to look like Walker, Texas Ranger, this dumb-dumb is rocking the up-the-butt approach. Has he heightened his risk of shooting himself? Yes. But has he also found the perfect hiding spot? Let’s… just say yes for sake of saying yes.

Lightbulb. When people get great ideas, a lightbulb goes off atop their head. This person seems to have gotten things backwards. Instead of allowing a figurative lightbulb to simply appear organically above them, they forced a literal lightbulb up their anus just for good measure. You never can count on figurative lightbulbs these days, after all…

Shampoo bottle. The person who got a shampoo bottle stuck up their a** was clearly quite a clean fella. Instead of taking the routine route and sudding themselves up with the soap itself, they went one step further. They just took the bottle, inserted it inside them rectally and then hoped for the best.

Bullet. If you’re having issues going to the bathroom, go to your local pharmacy and purchase a laxative. If that doesn’t work, see your doctor. He or she will know what to do. What you absolutely should not do, however, is place a bullet inside your a**hole in hopes that it’ll help shoot the sh*t out all by itself. Bullets don’t work that way, and neither do butts.

Coffee creamer lid. This person who got a coffee creamer lid lost in their a** has no excuse. It’s one thing if you’re trying to be sexy and it’s one thing if you’re simply goofing around and accidentally screw up. But if you’re going to waste a perfectly good coffee creamer lid, then you can get the hell out of here! Get the hell out!

Dildo. Now, here we have a lost-in-the-butt object that makes sense. A dildo. Some people find pleasure inserting phallic objects into their behind, so it only makes sense that someone’s bound to get one lost in there. Person who ended up in the hospital for this — you have our pity. Good luck next time!