How To Put Desire Back Into Your Relationship, According To Science

According to new research, responsiveness to your partner outside the bedroom can help but the sexual desire back into your relationship. To put it more simply, being nice to each other and caring for each other can make you want each other more. It's kind of sad that it's taken us (and science) so long to figure this one out, but studies show that being nicer to each other actually makes for a healthier sex life. So, OK, be nice. But what does being "responsive" really entail?

Basic needs. People who are responsive to their partner have the ability to understand their partner, validate their partner's feelings and opinions, and show some TLC. Basically, it's just called being a good, loving person.

Why desire fades. You might be wondering why the desire went out of your relationship in the first place. After all, if you really love each other, shouldn't that spark always be there? Apparently, it has a lot to do with the chemicals in your brain.

Neurotransmitters. In the beginning of a relationship, your brain is basically on drugs. The neurotransmitters in your brain (like dopamine) are pumping through you making you want to have sex all the time. This passionate, exciting phase lasts for a little while, but like with drugs, the high eventually fades.

How to get it back. So when it does fade, how do you go about getting that spark back? According to research and studies conducted by psychologists at the Interdisciplinary Center in Israel, the University of Rochester, Bar-Ilan University, in Israel, and Cornell Tech in New York, responsiveness to your partner increases sexual attraction and desire, especially in women.

Breaking old ideas. It has long been thought that the more intimate a couple becomes, the less they want to have sex. It now appears that the opposite is true. During this study, the more the subjects' partners responded to their emotional and intimate needs, the more sex they wanted to have. See, guess you really just have to be a bit nicer to get laid.

Don't wait. Don't wait until the spark is totally gone from your relationship to try and bring it back to life. If you notice that things aren't as hot between the two of you as they used to be, even slightly, start thinking about how you really treat each other outside the bedroom. Maybe you could improve and be a better partner.

Talk about things that really matter. When you're able to have conversations about deep, emotional concepts or things that really matter to you or your partner, you'll be able to sense an intense bond right away. Sometimes just having them there to listen to you and not judge you is the biggest turn on.

Why it works. Everyone wants to feel understood and cared for. If you feel like there is a disconnect with your partner on an emotional level, there is definitely going to be a disconnect in the bedroom. However, if you feel like your partner truly gets you, you'll feel the desire to be sensual and sexual with them.

Types of intimacy. According to psychologists, there are two types of intimacy. One type is actually detrimental to your relationship while the other – the one this article focuses on – is the one that boosts desire. Don't forget to take into account how your love language affects you and your partner, as well!

Impersonal intimacy. Impersonal intimacy is the kind of intimacy that stunts sexual desire in a relationship. This is the type of intimacy that involves being more like roomies than lovers (i.e. shaving your legs in front of him).

Emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the kind of intimacy that these researchers want you to engage in. This is the kind of intimacy that actually matters and proves that you love someone.

Physical. When the problem is physical, a lot of people think that the solution must also be physical. However, if you try to fix your emotions first, you'll probably have a much easier time mending the fissures in your sex life

Simple solutions. Often when something goes wrong, we rattle our brains trying to look for an answer and we overthink things. But according to science, the solution can be as simple as being a good person.

Actions. Show your partner through action that you care about them. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, but something that shows them that you've paid enough attention to what they've talked about and who they are.

Years of sex. Just because that initial intoxicating state of falling in love may have worn off, doesn't mean you're doomed to be bored and unhappy in your relationship. You can continue to have a relationship that's full of love and desire for years – if you work at it.