Different interests. Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily going to be into the same stuff that you are. You’ll most likely have a lot in common, but even when it comes to what goes down in the bedroom, you can certainly have opposing views. But that’s OK. Different interests are fine — as long as you’re both fine with that.
New terrain. For one woman, her sexual experiences with her husband has always been more than just a little satisfying. She’s always been happy with her sex life, and he’s always been happy to get her off. However, things changed later on in their marriage. At least, in the sense that he was interested in pushing their sex life a bit further.
My man’s buttocks. “He wanted me to start playing with his butt,” she explains. “He’s completely straight, as far as I know, and he’s never once brought up butt play before. But one day, he just dropped this on me. Not in the bedroom. He didn’t catch me off guard. But before bed. And you could tell he was secretly really excited.”
Up the butt. Whenever something changes in a relationship, whether it’s a negative change or not, it can be jarring. For this woman, that was absolutely the case. “I’m not a prude,” she explains, “but anal stuff was just doing I’ve never done. I’ve known my husband for eight years. This was a really different direction that I wasn’t expecting.”
Questions. She explains that she couldn’t just go out and ask her friends what to do, because she didn’t want to put her husband in that kind of situation. She didn’t want people knowing what he wanted in the bedroom, especially if it was something “less usual,” as she puts it.
The slow burn. “I guess I should have kind of seen the signs earlier,” she says. Just a year prior to him bringing up the butt play, he opened up to her about wanting to have anal sex with her, but her as the recipient. She said no, at first, but then slowly warmed up to the idea.
Anal sex. It took her a while to get mentally and physically comfortable with it, but she eventually came around. They would mostly have vaginal sex, but they would sneak in anal sex every so often. She says, “We’d give it a try every month or so, and it would hurt at first, but he was gentle, and the muscles eventually weren’t so tense. It got much easier.”
Switching roles. “What freaks me out is that he wants to switch roles,” she says. “I love my husband and I’m not homophobic and I want him to be happy no matter what, but it’s different and I’m not great with different. The last thing I wanted is my marriage to take some turn and not knowing where it was going.
Leaving. What scared her so much about her husband approaching her about this is the idea that he may actually be gay and may want to leave her. She explains that by avoiding it for a little while, she was avoiding possibly finding out that he was no longer attracted to her or in love with her, and she couldn’t handle that.
Googling. Without anywhere to really turn, she went to her computer — the natural move for most people — and she did some googling. What she found helped her, seeing as she was hardly the first person to run into a situation like hers. In fact, it really put her at ease and helped take her mind off of her worries. Some men just like butt play.
A nervous man. She quickly realized that she was being a bit selfish. Her husband was interested in something, and instead of embracing it, she got nervous and almost shut down. She realized that he was just nervous, and that it took a lot for him to come to her about this, seeing as there are definitely stigmas surrounding it.
Giving it a go. Finally, she decided to just give in already. “I calmed down, I wrapped my head around everything, and I was willing to at least try it out. I knew that if I wasn’t a fan of it, he wouldn’t have held it against me. That’s not the kind of guy that he is,” she said. “He’s probably the calmest guy you’d ever meet.
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Prepped and ready. “What surprised me most of all,” she says, “was how prepared he was. I knew he had to get himself, you know prepared, and he was all set and ready to go. He was clean, he was ‘loosened up,’ and you can tell he was just as nervous as he was excited. Which actually made me sort of get more into it than I was.”
Starting small. It started small when they incorporated his butt, and just used her fingers to play with him. But then they started bringing in toys. However, after some time, it went even further and she started to perform analingus on him, something that she explains is “not as bad as it seems.”
A happy and healthy sex life. Now, she and her husband are much more comfortable being open about trying new things. Butt play is very much a part of their sex lives, and she’s perfectly OK with that. Since they’ve started engaging in it, he hasn’t run away and he hasn’t shown any signs of losing interest in her.
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